So, you guys deserve an update.
VengefulA lot of stuff has been going on. And when I say a lot, I mean a freaking helluva lot. Kovu can tell you - I've ranted to her about it more than I'm sure she cared to listen. (ILU, thank you.
) So. In a nutshell, this semester of my college life has been sheer hell. It's been one thing after another after another after another after another and on into eternity, pretty much.I've doubted everything. I've doubted my sanity. I've doubted my skill as an actor. I've doubted my skill as a writer. I've doubted what I love. I've doubted my future. I've doubted my friends. I've doubted my stability. I've doubted my ability to function as a human being. I've doubted my ability to be a good daughter to the parents who love me so very much. I've doubted my ability to be a good friend. Everything. It's not fun to doubt things which have seemed stable for much of your life - it's really not. Doubting my sanity was the scariest by far - I nearly went over the edge for a while there.
What, you're probably wondering, caused all this crap to cascade down in a rush that left me sprawled on the ground, cut and bruised and shivering?
First of all, my rooming situation. Last year, I had the dynamite roommate of roommates. We are like sisters now - just being around her cheers me. She was amazing. This year, my roommate has been...well... This needs explanation. My roommate - we'll call her "F" (if you want her real name and the book she's published so you can steer clear of it or laugh your asses off at it, note me) - has a lot of issues. She's bipolar, for one, which, when treated properly, is not a problem. However, she is also an only child. Now, I'm an only child. Those who know me, though (including my prior roommate), say I don't have Only Child Syndrome very badly, if at all. F does. She has Only Rich Child Syndrome, which is far, far worse. She has an entitlement attitude. She speaks of nothing but herself. She's socially inept (by her own admission). She's an extrovert. She's emotionally and mentally unstable. She's self destructive at times. She can be totally, completely, shockingly inconsiderate. (I can give examples of circumstances in which all of these hold true, surprisingly enough.) F is, at heart, a good person, but she has so many issues she's very, very hard to deal with. (Kovu does not really agree with me. She's told me to bash F's head in more than once, and my own mother texted me one morning asking whether or not F was still alive because I went to bed so angry.) On top of that, I am an introvert. If I don't get my alone time...things aren't pretty. Not at all. F is always in the room. She never leaves, despite the fact that, as an extrovert, she needs to be around people to feel right. She also tends to mope a lot. When I'm in a bad mood, little pisses me off more than moping. Also on top of all of this, F is supremely needy. Whenever I enter the room, regardless of my mood, she'd recite the events of her day to me, whether I'd last seen her a day prior or an hour prior. (Damn, I promised I'd keep this brief. Summing it up. You want more details, just ask.) All in all, F has been a horrible roommate for me. She created a toxic environment in this room so that I cannot write here. I cannot do much of anything when she is in the room. I retreat to the dorm laundry room to have a place I feel safe. This is how things have been. It's been driving me mad. I had a talk with her (blew up at her, told her I thought she was the most selfish person I've ever met in my life, etc.), and things have improved marginally, but not enough.
Thankfully, I've had an offer of somewhere to go next semester so I don't have to stay here. If it holds up, I'm running as fast as I can go. (F also thinks we're very good friends. When I avoid her. A lot. Oblivious much?)
Second, I chose to be an Assistant Stage Manager for a play this year. Bad, bad choice. The name of the play is Reefer Madness (good play, by the way), and it's a biggie. We have 100+ props, from communion wafers to magnets to chalk to a car bench seat. This commitment has spanned three months, with a time commitment every evening of the week spanning (at the beginning) 3 to (and closer to now) 8 hours, and a weekend (none off, ladies and gents) time commitment spanning 6-13 hours. It has eaten up my life and my academics. Tonight in particular, I got in at 3am from cleaning up after our midnight performance. I love the show and the people involved (except for the days when I hate the actors), but it's driven me sane, which is not a healthy state for me to be in. I function in a state of insanity mingled with brilliance and an antisocial flare, but this is not good for me at all. I don't think I need to say more - just think about that time commitment for a minute and I think you'll feel a bit of my pain.
Next, we have smaller events very much exacerbated by the larger two above. Due to the events listed above, I've had a very hard time writing. I thrive on writing. I love to write. I do it to keep myself functioning properly. If I can't write, we have a serious issue. And I've had so much trouble with it. I don't feel safe in my own room, so I can't write here. It's really been an issue. Another issue I've had is with my acting. I need a stable base to act the way I want to, to get into my characters and understand them. I need it badly. My room is not a stable base, a safe place I can retreat to. It's a toxic environment. (I literally recently told a friend it needed a quarantine sign.) My acting teacher also, on a scene I thought I did at least decently on, gave me nothing but negative feedback. Looking back, I can see how all of it will help me as an actor, but...at the time...it was too much. I nearly lost it (ie, my sanity) after she told me that. I found the knife-edge between laughter and tears, and discovered it is madness, and it hurts like hell. It's laughter that hurts, tears that don't relieve and rip the body apart, a sense of purposelessness and...nothing. I don't want to go there again. I've also had issues with couples. I can't stand them lately, and lookie here, I'm surrounded by them. Dammit. One of my very, very good friends here at college recently started dating a great guy, and I'm happy for her, but she was part of my retreat, a psuedo-stable place I could rush to, and I don't have that any more either because now she has her beau. And she's really happy about it. And she's with him a lot. And...and. It's selfish, I know, but I feel like I've lost an ally.
This has just...been a very hard semester. I've felt gloomy more than happy, and I need relief. Thankfully, I'm going home in just three days. I cannot wait. I need to curl up in my Daddy's lap again and watch cartoons and know that everything will be all right. (Damn, crying just thinking about it.) Last year, I called both college and home my "home," because I felt at ease and at peace both places. Now, I just want to go home, away from her, and feel safe again.
...I think I just need to go to bed. I have one more performance of Reefer, then auditions on Monday for Almost, Maine (adorable play - seriously adorable). Coming home Tuesday.
Oh. A couple other things? I nearly lost my love of reading due to all this crap. I'm regaining it slowly, as my mind stabilizes, but I almost lost my ability to retreat into books. It's been bad, really bad.
Cheerful things...lemme think...um...I'll be getting out of this room next semester, that's good...going home Tuesday, that's really good...made more new friends, good...doing research on the Seelie Court, good...um...yeah. I think I just need to go to bed. Hopefully I'll wake up in a better mood.
Though, I swear, if I get tormented by another one of those damn dreams where I'm snuggling and cuddling with my boy troubles, I'll be royally pissed off. Me and my tribble (mine temporarily - being loaned to me by a friend) are going to bed now. Before I lose my head. If I haven't lost it already. (More info on boy troubles on request.)
:3
Thought I'd watch you.
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Mercenary? I prefer to call it..."adventure capitalist".
"How convenient...a deus ex machina."
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It's nobody's business what's in my cup, what's in your cup, what's in their cup. It's your cup, drink it. Fuck you, and whatever was in my cup, I'm going to keep drinking it. Suck my dick, and my cup. - Lil Wayne
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{O,o}
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-"-"- Owl.
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